Pokemon World Tour Chapter 11

Pokémon World Tour
Chapter 11: Unspeakable Consequences

 So&  what do I do now?
Groudon was sitting in front of the author s computer, while the author was being a lazy ass. The author had let Groudon in charge of the rest of the Australian arc, as the author was getting his ass kicked in Pokémon SoulSilver by the sheer awesomeness that is Red.
& The author has no life.
 I don t care.  the author told him.  Do whatever you like. Make a snowstorm, drown them in a flood, have a Mary Sue take over. I don t care&  Damn it, Red! Stop using your Pikachu to electrocute my Typhlosion!
 Hmm.  Groudon posed to himself.  Let s see&  How can I make their lives  miserable&  Maybe I could rain fireballs down from the sky. Or I could possibly start a zombie apocalypse. Oh, I know! I ll give Shaymin government missiles!
The author looks up from his game, horror plastered over his face.  I take it back! No! Shaymin with government missiles&  that would be disastrous! World War III would happen! Destruction would rain down from the heavens! You might as well make it Judgment Day! Do you REALLY want to see that?!
 & Would it be so awful if I said  yes ?
 & 
 & 
The author facepalmed.  Just&  think of something else. ANYTHING else. I may be sadistic towards you guys, but even I m not THAT evil.
Groudon frowned.  Fine.  The author went back to getting his ass kicked by Red. Groudon turned away from the author, thinking deviously about what he could do.
 & Oh, I know&   he smirked evilly.
Meanwhile&
Lugia had the time of his life with the Aborigines! He had discovered much about their past. He got to share his style of music with them, and was learning about theirs. One of the members even gave him a Didgeridoo to keep as a memento.
Lugia looked up at the night stars. They were beautiful, and not something he saw every night guarding Johto. With the entire region of Johto being active at night and with bright lights flashing everywhere, they always blanked out the stars. As he looked up, he could piece the stars together and form constellations in his head. He envisioned Ho-Oh, and his own kids all flying up there. Having a blast&  racing each other&  and maybe Ho-Oh would finally repay him for what he has done&
 & Bitch can t let go of the fact that she still owes me ice cream&   
 Hey!
Lugia stood up, startled from his thoughts.
One of the tribe members motioned to him, from across the bonfire they were sitting at.  Would you like to dance?  he asked.
Lugia sweatdropped. It had occurred to him, that, despite all the talking about music, they didn t show him their kind&  yet. He chuckled nervously.  Well, you ve seen me rap, but I don t know about dancing& 
 Our dances are very easy. You can perform a corroboree with us.
 How in the heck do those work? I mean, I haven t seen anything like it in all of those Pokémon Dance Remixes on YouTube&   he muttered the last part softly to himself.
The leader wondered what he was talking about, but shrugged it off, making a note to perhaps acquaintance himself with this  YouTube  (unfortunately, the poor sucker didn t know what kind of place YouTube really IS).
& Anyway, he held up two&  clicker thingys.
Lugia sighed.  Clicker thingys? Really, author?
 OK! So I can t find it on Wikipedia!
 Groudon?  he asked. He stepped away for a moment. The Aborigines looked on in confusion as Lugia appeared to talk to thin air.
 What&  is it?  wondered a woman.
 Must be some city thing.  another man answered.
 Groudon, I m in the middle of something!  Lugia shouted.
 Obviously. You think I give a shit?
Lugia groaned and grit his teeth.  The one time I m actually enjoying myself on this nightmare of a fanfic, and you have to interrupt me!
 Yes, so what? You need to go back to the plane, pronto. Everyone else is there.
 & No. You know what? I m NOT going. I REFUSE to go back now! I m learning about another culture! I m actually enjoying this!
 You DARE defy me?!  Groudon screamed dramatically.  I am the author! I have all control! The Protector of the Universe s Guys COMMANDS you to return!
 Dear God&   Lugia sighed.
 OK, I THINK THAT S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU, GROUDON.
 B-But& 
 DON T WORRY. YOU LL HAVE AMPLE TIME TO EXECUTE YOUR PLAN.
Groudon started to whine.  But it s not fair! Why do you like him so much? I never get to do what I want! Why do I not have a remake of my games yet? Why-
 EXCUSE ME, LUGIA.
 By all means.
 LET S SEE&  NOW WHERE S THAT ADULT SPEAKING AUDIO CONVERTER&  NO&  NOT THERE&  WAIT, THERE IT IS!
*click*
 And why do I al- WAH-WAH WAH WAH-WAH WAH WAH& 
 *sigh* MUCH BETTER. YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT TONIGHT, LUGIA. THE PLANE AIN T GOING ANYWHERE, AND YOU (AND THE READERS) WOULD DO WELL TO LEARN OF ANOTHER CULTURE.
 & Ok&  but& 
 YES?
 You re supposed to be tormenting us. Why are you being&  nice?
 OH, I FIGURE THAT I SHOULDN T BE ON SHAYMIN LEVELS OF CRUEL TO YOU. I GOTTA GIVE YOU SOME LEEWAY.
 A ight. I m cool with that. Talk to you later.
 ADIOS, AMIGO.
Lugia turned back to the Aborigines. They all looked on in completely understandable confusion, because Lugia seemed to be able to communicate with an apparently invisible god.
 Uhh&  this is awkward.  he muttered.  So, how about that dance?
And so Lugia spent the rest of the night jumping up and down like a kangaroo. No, really. That s what they do. Dance like animals. Surprisingly, he enjoyed it. More fun than you would think&  And I m dragging this out too long, aren t I? & Anyways.

Elsewhere&
 Do you have those controls fixed NOW?! It s midnight!
 Don t have a (censored) Miltank! I m working on it, you oversized green lizard!
 Ugh& 
Rayquaza found himself griping with the Wish Pokémon of all beings, off in the control room while he lay in the nearby hallway. Jirachi was the only one with the intellectual know-how to try to unfreeze the plane s controls (the keyword is TRY here).
Unable to sleep, Rayquaza looked at the ceiling.
 I will not talk to inanimate objects. I will not talk to inanimate objects. I will not talk to inanimate objects.  he chanted to himself.
 You re doing it.
Rayquaza s eyes widened in concern for his sanity.  I swear that ceiling just talked back to me.
Latias  head peeked into Rayquaza s vision, obscuring the unresponsive ceiling.
 Hey there, Sir  Talks-a-lot to Inanimate Objects !  his girlfriend cheerily greeted him.  Wow. First the statue, and now the ceiling. What s next, making love to rocks?
 & I have sanity! I do! Really!  he defended.
 Don t worry, Rayquaza.  Latias assured him.  Nobody blames you if you ve lost it at this point in the fanfic.
 & Honestly, I think we ll all need to go buy a hefty dosage of it at Wal-Mart once this is done.
 And&  Shaymin, of course.  Latias muttered.
 ESPECIALLY Shaymin!  Rayquaza shouted.  I still can t believe she did that to you. Why doesn t Arceus just kill her off and make a new, more sane Shaymin?!
 My guess would be is that Arceus is too terrified to do so. Think about it. Would YOU want to be the one to try and assassinate that psycho?
Rayquaza shuddered in fear at the very thought.  Point taken, Latias. She probably has an AK-47 hidden somewhere on this plane. Still, if she tries to pull something like that again, I ll& 
 Don t worry about it.  Latias told him.  Let me take of her, Ray. I ll have plenty of fun with her.
She pecked him on the cheek. He blushed.  Fine.  he muttered, moving his hands onto Latias  face.  Just&  be sure to do your worst, ok?
 I will&   she answered, moving Rayquaza s lips closer to hers.  Oh Ray, I& 
 Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
The two jerked their heads behind them to see the psychic kitty, Mew. She was chanting  kiss  repeatedly at them, hoping to see some action.
 What are YOU doing here?!  Rayquaza yelled at her.  You re invading our privacy!
 Oh, nothing much. I was just in the neighborhood. I just dropped my mutant Kangaskhan back in the wild (after much begging and pleading to Arceus to keep him), and decided to drop by. And, come on, you re in the hallway! You re practically inviting us to come see you smooch!
 Get out of here, Mew!
Mew frowned.  Fine, Mr. Meanie. I wanted to help you with Shaymin, but if you don t need it& 
Latias  eyes perked up.  Actually Mew, we d love to have your help with Shaymin!
Rayquaza looked at Latias  in confusion.  We would? But Latias, we don t need her-  Latias stuffed her hand in the serpent s mouth, muffling his words.
 You said you were going to have fun with Shaymin!  the kitty explained.  I want to have fun with her, too! She won t give me my candy after the bet we made, that stupid liar!
 Yeah, hey Mew, can you direct us to any of Shaymin s artillery?  Latias asked.
 OK! Do I get to use her machine gun?

Mew looked at the machine gun.  Ooooooohh&  so, what does this trigger do?  She pulled the switch, and a barrage of bullets came out at rapid-fire speed. The bullets, being of the rare super bouncy kind, bounced around the plane, and through hallways and hearts of Legendaries. The entire plane had bullets ricocheting in the interior. One of the bullets made it into the cockpit, pierced Arceus, and she fell onto the plane s red giant self-destruct button.
And thus, the plane blew up and everybody died.

 NO!  the dragons yelled in horror.
 Fine&  but I get my candy, right?
Rayquaza sighed.  Sure, Mew. Whatever makes you happy.
 Yippee! Alright, I ll take you guys to Shaymin s artillery chamber hidden in the plane! With the guns, and the knifes, and of course, the nuclear weapons!  She floated ahead of them, though both Latias and Rayquaza were (understandably) apprehensive.
 Guys?  she asked them, looking backwards.  Why are you floating there, spending your time dilly-dallying? Come on, let s go!
They floated there silently for several seconds, absorbing what Mew had just said. Finally, it hit them.
 & NUCLEAR WEAPONS?!  they screamed, catching the attention of nearby Darkrai, who was floating back to his room. He decided to watch the conversation.
 What& ?  started Latias.
 And why& ?  continued Rayquaza.
 But how& ?  they said in sync.  Did Shaymin get her hands on THAT?
 That s easy.  Mew answered.  She had a little divine intervention with& 
 The author?!  Rayquaza growled.
 The devil?  Darkrai quietly snarked.
 Regis Philbin!  Mew shouted.
 & 
 & What? I thought we were playing  Name that Famous Guy . If we re playing  Name the Guy that gave Shaymin Government Missiles , then that would be Groudon.
Rayquaza grit his teeth.  Groudon, that bastard. I m gonna kill him when we get back home&  that is, IF we get back home. Alive.
 Still, Arceus DID ban Shaymin from all access to nuclear weapons after she launched that atomic bomb on Newmoon Island&   Latias muttered.
 And the Sinnoh authorities STILL have the damn place under radioactive containment&   Darkrai muttered, bringing the attention to him.
 Darkrai?  Latias, Rayquaza, and Mew noticed.
 Of course. What other Legendary is a Dark-type skirt-wearer?  he snarked.
 So you admit it! It IS a skirt!  Mew exclaimed happily.
 & That was sarcasm, my dear Mew.  Darkrai replied, holding back anger.
 & Anyway, Darkrai?  Rayquaza asked the Dark-type.  What are YOU doing here?
 I was just strolling through the plane. I was actually planning to head straight back to my room, but then I overheard your little conversation about Shaymin& 
 Yeah. So, what are you saying, Darkrai? You want to take part in it?  the green serpent asked.
 A chance to get back at Shaymin after the crap she pulled on Latias? Rayquaza, I wouldn t miss it for the world.
Rayquaza grinned.  All right. Glad you re on board, Darkrai.
Latias raised her eyebrow and glared at Rayquaza.  How come you re so willing to take Darkrai and not Mew?
The serpent thought about this for a moment, then answered Latias in the most intelligent manner possible.  Because Darkrai s not a cuckoo candy obsessed crazy cat baby fetus&  thing!  he yelled. Everyone stared at him.
 & What, in the name of Arceus the holy llama, was THAT sentence supposed to be?  Latias said.
 & I don t know, actually.  Rayquaza muttered.
*insert awkward silence here*
 & To change this ridiculous subject and the author s absolutely pathetic attempt at humor&   Darkrai crossed his arms.  Shaymin. Revenge. Now.
 & Oh, right!  Mew smiled.
And the quartet dashed off to host their revenge on Shaymin. Little did they know that is exactly what she is expecting&

 Let s make sure everything s in place& 
Shaymin, our favorite psycho, is in her room, checking the traps to lure in the ones she KNEW would come for her. She knew after what she did to Latias (which she didn t regret), that the red Dragon and most likely several others would have her head.
 OK&   she peeked in the corner where the door and wall met.  Missile launchers, check.
She looked up above the entrance to see bombs filled to the brim with paint.  Paint bombs, check.
Finally, she checked the floor panel which would launch a net to trap the Pokémon inside once depressed.  Net trap, check.
She smiled, hopping back onto her bed to admire her work. Once that panel was depressed, all of those traps would be launched at the poor suckers.  All in a day s work, Shaymin. You did well.
Footsteps could be heard coming towards Shaymin s room. Ready for action, Shaymin hopped off of the bed and crawled under it, eager to humiliate them.
The door creaked open.  Shaymin?  came a voice.  You in there?
Shaymin remained absolutely silent. She couldn t see who had come in, but she recognized the voice.
 I need to talk to you about what happened. Not as goddess of the Pokémon universe, but as your mother.  Shaymin grit her teeth. Not the  Mon Shaymin wanted inside. Before Shaymin could react, the Legendary depressed the panel with her feet.
Instantly, the Missile Launchers in the corner fired at her. Because of her power, they weren t enough to seriously hurt the goddess, but they WERE enough to stun her. They stunned her long enough for the net trap to activate, which caused the net underneath to close up around her. Due to the design of the trap, the net attached itself to the ceiling.
Oh, but the fun s not over yet!
The paint bombs detached from the ceiling into the net, exploding and showering Arceus in pink paint. Poor Arceus. She was stuck up there, coated with paint, unable to break out, and worst of all, she didn t even have the colored plate to match!
 OK!  Arceus shouted.  WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED HERE?!
Shaymin slowly crawled out from underneath the bed, looking up at Arceus. She chuckled nervously.
 Shaymin&   she said with death dripping from her voice.  What is this?
 Umm. You see, it s a trap.
 THANK YOU, SHAYMIN! SOMEBODY DESERVES THE  MOST OBVIOUS STATEMENT OF THE CENTURY  AWARD!
 It&  was meant for Latias and whoever else wanted my head. Or Darkrai. That works, too.
 And tell me Shaymin, do you know WHY I can t break out of here?  Suddenly, Arceus realized something.  Unless, of course& 
 It was reinforced with the Red Chain, thank you very much!  Shaymin smirked.
 & How did you get your grubby, little fingers on THAT?
 Oh, Cyrus had a spare left over which I  borrowed  without permission.
 & CYRUS! You mean the  only slightly less psycho than you  Cyrus that tried to erase all existence and create a new world in his image?! THAT Cyrus?!  she shouted.
 & Yep, that s the one.
Arceus sighed.  Why me? WHY me? WHY did I EVER come up with this STUPID idea to travel around the world?!
 Hey, it could have been worse.  Shaymin grinned.
 How so?
 It couldn t have! HA!
Arceus tried her hardest to break out of the net. Unfortunately, not even the angry adrenaline rush was enough to break the chains. Oh well, credit for trying.
 Did anybody ever tell you that you REALLY suck?
 I do my best.
At that moment, we have four Legendary Pokémon bursting through the door.
 Shaymin!  shouted Darkrai.  Your time has& !
Latias, Rayquaza, Mew, and Darkrai all stared in astonishment of the scene that lay before their eyes. Shaymin was standing in front of them alright&  but the real pièce de résistance was their mother hanging above them in a net, coated in paint&  PINK paint.
 OK&   muttered Rayquaza.  What the hell just happened here?
 That s what I would like to know.  Arceus sighed.
Latias looked at the green hedgehog.  Shaymin, there really is no end to your shenanigans, is there?
 & Hmm. Let me think about this for a sec- Nope!
 Well, that figures.  Darkrai groaned.  I d expect nothing less from you.
Mew floated over to Shaymin.  Shaymin! You promised me my candy! But you lied! The candy is a lie! The cake is a lie! All of the sweets were-
 Uh, Mew.  Rayquaza interrupted, discovering a bag underneath Shaymin s bed.
 Not now, Rayquaza! I m in the middle of my rant!
 But the candy is-
 A lie! Nothing but evil, communist LIES!
 But the-
 LIES! Fabricated by Shaymin in an evil conspiracy against everything sweet!
 But-
 I ve got it.  Latias told him. Latias grabbed the bag, and shook it in front of Mew.  Hey, Mew. Look at what I ve got& 
Mew, having the attention span of a goldfish, quickly noticed the candy.
 Ooooooh& 
Latias floated out of the room, and tossed the bag down the hallway. Mew sped through in a frenzy.
 Candy, candy, candy, candy, candy!  she shouted in excitement. Unfortunately, Kyogre VERY CONVINENTLY chose that exact moment to float in Mew s path. Yes, she floats. She s a sea whale, how else am I going to get her around?
Kyogre looked up from her comics and down the hallway to see a pink blur racing towards her.
 What the-
CRASH!
 AND SO, IT IS WITH A HEAVY HEART THAT WE SAY GOODBYE TO OUR DEAR FRIEND, KYOGRE. MAY HER SOUL BE HAPPY UP IN HEAVEN. WE WILL ALL MISS HER.
 I certainly don t!  shouted Groudon from the invited guests.
 What are we doing here?  muttered Raikou to the other Legendary Beasts.  Don t we have another one of the author s fanfics to star in?
Arceus remained silent at the front of the guests, as she thought about the poor soul that was killed from-
 Wait a second!  she realized. She looked towards the sole human in the graveyard. It was the author.  What kind of sequence IS this? Why is she dead? And since when are you a funeral director?
 COME ON, I NEED THE MONEY!
 & You ve got to be-
 JUST KIDDING!

Back to the plane, and AWAY from the reality warping&
Mew woke up, next to Kyogre.  OK&   she muttered.  What the heck was that all abo- oh, candy!
She grabbed the bag and munched on all of the candy in it, while Kyogre was knocked unconscious (and TOTALLY not dead).
And everything went back to normal. Well, if this fanfic could even be considered  normal  in the first place&

 So, what do we do with you?  Darkrai said.
Darkrai held Shaymin by his claw as Rayquaza smirked evilly, both of them sadistically happy to see Shaymin so helpless for once in her life. Latias especially looked on with glee.
 We could feed her to the Mightyenas!  suggested Rayquaza.
 Or use her as a basketball!  grinned Darkrai.
 Or disembowel her!  Rayquaza deviously stated.
 I ve got a better idea.  Latias smiled sweetly.  Bring in the 24-hour marathon of Barney the Dinosaur!  Latias then generated a tape stuffed to the brim with purple dinosaur content.
Rayquaza s, Darkrai s, and Shaymin s eyes widened in complete and total terror. The mere THOUGHT of that struck horror to their very bone.
 I am the embodiment of nightmares, and even I could never bring anyone upon THAT.  Darkrai stated in shock.
 I&   Rayquaza clutched his chest.  I&  Even I&  could never&  do such a thing.
 So, what are you saying? Not up for it, Ray? Because I can certainly handle it by myself.
 You crazies do what you want, I m OUT of here!  Darkrai zoomed out of the room, terrified.
 Right behind you, Darkrai!  Rayquaza quickly followed suit.
Latias shrugged her shoulders.  Oh well.  Latias grabbed Shaymin and some ropes to tie her down. She then inserted the tape into the VCR of the room s TV.
 NO! NO! Anything but that! Please!  she screamed desperately. Never before had she been so horrified&  or said please.
 Don t worry, Shaymin. I ll let you out once we reach our next stop on this fanfic&  however long that takes.
Shaymin looked at Latias in horror, who smiled the sweetest smile you would ever see. After she finished tying Shaymin to the bed, she pressed  Play  and then made her exit.  Have fun!
As the tape went through its  beginning commercials before the show, ARCEUS screamed in horror.
 LATIAS! RAYQUAZA! DARKRAI! SOMEBODY! I m still up here! I don t want to watch  Barney the Dinosaur ! Please! Let me down! I don t want to watch this & and I really have to go to the bathroom!

The next morning, in the sanity outside of the plane&
Lugia left the Aborigines, thankful to have stayed with them. Though their time together was short, he had fun and he even got to keep a Didgeridoo (as stated at the beginning). Currently, he was walking back to the plane, hoping to chill out by himself until the rest of the Legends arrived back. Too bad he was wrong in that regard.
 So, author?
 YES?
 Where are we heading to next? I think I ve had enough of Australia.
 WELL, YOU SEE LUGIA, THAT S A SURPRISE. FOR THE SAKE OF THE READERS, OF COURSE. BUT YOU WILL LIKE WHERE WE HEAD TO NEXT. VERY&  UNIQUE CULTURE, COMPARED TO THE REST OF THE WORLD. I LL SAY THAT MUCH.
 Oh, no voting this time?
 NOPE. AND JIRACHI FIXED THE CONTROLS. WELL, AFTER I LET HIM, OF COURSE.
 Sure, you did.  Lugia replied sarcastically.
 & ANYWAY, THE PLANE S UP AHEAD. HAVE FUN.
 What do you mean?  Lugia asked.
No answer. Again.
 Dammit, why does he ALWAYS disappear like that?  He ran to the plane, hoping that nobody had been driven to insanity.
& Then again, that s the purpose of this fanfic, isn t it?

Pokémon © Nintendo / Game Freak
Yes! Thank God! I ve been meaning to do this, but I just kept putting it off. I apologize for making you guys wait for a month and a half. But school is finally out for the summer, and I have much more spare time. I m glad you guys have stuck with me, and I m happy to deliver this!